Pain with Purpose, 2018
For a year, I suffered from situational depression which stems from a struggle to come to terms with dramatic life changes. This season of my life was extremely painful, but also the most vital time of my existence. I learned many lessons during this time, but one that stuck with me the most was I don’t have to always hold it together and it's really ok to admit that you are not okay, you just have to promise yourself not to stay there. Someone once told me “The only thing more exhausting than being depressed is pretending you're not...” so here is a public letter I wrote in 2018 sharing my truth of battling with depression.
The Pain with Purpose…
The truth is I have been in a season for almost a year. A season where love and pain rain over me simultaneously. It took so much out of me to survive the eye of the storm that I went back into battle with open wounds to repair and rebuild the aftermath because I missed the home we built before the storm hit. People think they know what you are going through cause they hear gossip here and there, but eventually your pain becomes entertainment so you choose to suffer in silence, but with lack of boundaries, depression gets a hold of you.
I have functioned well in dysfunction that I thought things were getting better, when the reality was I was just getting use to it. The truth is I lost myself because I didn’t give myself enough time to heal in the first place, I never set boundaries. I would set myself on fire to keep others warm, constantly sacrificing myself in the name of unconditional love. I would replay the past in my head, refusing to let go, making myself feel it all over again and allowing people with toxic intentions to negatively impact me. I grew a deep resentment constantly thinking about things that were out of my control to only let it kill me little by little. I looked at my reflection the other night and asked myself “when did you become this person, B?”
I am exhausted, I am mentally, spiritually and emotionally exhausted. So I cried a lot, I apologize to myself, and then I surrendered to God again, something I will probably do 100 more times in my lifetime. I asked God to renew the right spirit in me, to create in me a clean heart and to bring me home again. I made the decision to save myself.
All of us have to be a little bit more honest with ourselves and our support system about where we are in life so we can really get the help that we need. I’m not saying you have to expose yourself on social media, but you’ve got to stop using social media to create a perception that everything is ok when you are only living your best lie. At a certain age the petty and subliminal captions are really just you telling the world you are miserable, a small cry for help. Life is fucking hard, but it’s hella harder alone. We all have been deceived by devils who first came off as angels
I have learned strength comes in 2 forms; how much you can handle, and the ability to say enough is enough. For me, enough is enough. I miss Brisa, and I don’t ever want to lose her again. Healing is layers, healing is time, healing is consistency, healing is discipline, and healing is a lifetime commitment. The reality is we will get lost and unlost over and over again. The goal for me is to smile where I use to cry and eventually use my story to help others survive their storm. We are responsible for how long we allow hurt to haunt us.